What is it to be an Aussie? Well to be honest it's many things, not the least of which is being able to laugh at, and at the same time embrace, our peculiarities. No one seems to appreciate this more than a guy (guessing here) by the name of Nosedog. The following is an excerpt from his page and I highly recommend a visit there to check out the full deal.

Nosedog's guide to being Aussie

Don Bradman is a top Aussie. He is the best cricketer ever. If you took all the cricketers ever and put them together they would not be as good as Bradman. He was so good at batting that the English stopped trying to bowl him out. Instead they tried to kill him by throwing the ball at his head.

English people are not very good at sport, and Australia beats them heaps. Bradman helped the Aussie team thrash England heaps of times.

He was so tops at batting that if he wanted to, Bradman could have smashed England while holding a stubbie and smoking a durry, just like the blokes do in the park on weekends. Bradman scored 6996 Test runs in 70 innings, which makes his average approximately 99.94285714286.

Bradman is a top Aussie.

The Kingswood is a top Aussie vehicle. It was originally designed for military use as a tank but Holden decided to remove the cannon and called it a car. There are several hundred thousand million Kingswoods in Australia and lots now go faster than originally intended because apprentice mechanics have stuck massive donks in them. Federal legislation makes it compulsory for all apprentice mechanics to drive Kingswoods. Kingy’s with front bench seats are tops because you can fit 16 of your pisstank yobbo mates in them with room for a slab. The windows are extra wide so you can stick your fat arse out and moon people.

The Kingswood is a top Aussie.

David Boon is one of the toppest Aussies ever. He was a member of the Australian cricket team from 1984 to 1996. They called him 'Stumpy' because he batted with tree stumps instead of SS Jumbos. Boony is a proud Tasmanian and if you knocked Tassie in front of him he would probably kill you. In 1988 he spewed on national TV when he was playing at Adelaide Oval. Although Boonie is a short man, he has been known to sink a shitload of piss. In 1989 he became an Australian cricketing hero when he put back 52 beers on the way to a cricket match in England. If you tried to drink as much as Boonie you would probably die.

Boonie is a top Aussie.

Beer is a top Aussie. Beer was invented in Australia. As VB is the best beer in Australia, it is THE GREATEST BLOODY BEER IN THE UNIVERSE.

No Australian knows what VB stands for, but many people make guesses like Victor Bravo, Vitamin B, Violent Beer, Veebers or Very Bad. VB has many uses: you can pour it over your BBQ to flavour your onions or drink 16 to get maggoted. "Getting Maggoted" is a popular Australian drinking game where the object is to drink VB until you fall over and spew. VB sells so well in Australia that they haven't bothered to make new TV commercials since 1897. VB is so tops that if VB was your mate it would not fart in your car or sleaze onto your missus while you were away.

VB is a top Aussie.

Shane Warne is a top Aussie. He is also a massive pisstank yobbo with a beer-gut who dies his hair blonde and drives a red convertible.

Warney has done some bad things. He once got paid 100 grand by Nicabate to give up durries for a year but he lit up heaps when he was pissed. Then he took money from some Indian bookmakers for pre-match information. He once smashed a camera cause a kiddy took a photo of his beer gut. Then he got toey on the phone and dirty-talked an English girly who wasn't his wife. However, all Australians agree that Warney can be excused for doing these things cause he spin bowls like a genius and makes England look completely shithouse. Warney could drink all our beer and then spew on our carpet and we wouldn't care as long as he keeps taking wickets.

Warney is a top Aussie.

Bob is Australia's favourite politician and a pisstank and he is a top Aussie.

LP is a top Aussie. He builds his own race cars which are all Holdens cause Fords don't go fast enough. Sometimes he races in an event called the Bathurst 1000 which is a massive drinking competition on a hill. If you tried to go Larry at the lights in your Monaro, he would drag you off heaps bad. You would have no chance mate.

LP is a top Aussie.

Darwin is a town full of top Australians. It is in the Northern Territory which is also a pretty tops place because it has a massive rock in the middle of it. The average temperature in Darwin is 65°C, with humidity usually around 190%. This creates an ideal climate for beer consumption. The Guinness Book of Records makes a special mention of Darwin because it is a place where beer consumption approaches super-human levels. The people of Darwin drink a massive 194.6 litres of beer per person annually, and that includes women and children. That is a shitload. In fact it is illegal in Darwin to drink less than a six-pack a day. Darwinnians drink so much that they created their very own 2 litre beer bottle, called the Darwin Stubby. It is the biggest beer bottle in the universe. Skulling a Darwin Stubby is a necessary requirement for a Darwin High School Certificate.

Darwin is a top Aussie.

Bluey is a top Aussie dog. He is usually seen in the back of farmers utes because the excitement of riding in the cabin causes him to be excessively flatulent. The Blue Heeler was invented in Australia from a combination of dogs, just like a Chinese stir-fry. Blue Heelers are also exceptionally smart dogs, and owners have to be careful not to leave their credit-cards or PIN numbers lying around. Blue Heelers are most commonly used to round up sheep in paddocks, which is an unfortunate waste of talent, because with proper training, Bluey can be taught to fetch a VB from the fridge so you don't have to leave the lounge while watching the footy.

The Blue Heeler is a top Aussie.